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Kidachei
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PostSubject: Kidachei   Sat Jul 24, 2010 6:11 pm

Name: Kidachei
Saiyan name- Casca

Nickname: Kida

Age: 18

Species:
-She is a full blooded saiyan, but she had a genetic gene that had changed her appearance as a full-blooded saiyan.

Homeplanet:
-Vegeta is the planet she was born on, the one she grew up in is unknown

Family:
-No family really, she considers her "apprentice" Kai and her pet magma lizard, Mango to be her family.

Eyes:
- Light Blue

Height:
-5 foot 9

General Appearance:
-She has a serious looking face, her hair is cut short and she has a few scars on her arms and legs, one scar is hidden by part of her hair on her head. She uses a red bandana to cover it up.

Mental Level:
-Smart as she can be, Kida is not that bright, which is why big words confuse her sometimes. When it comes to fighting, though, she has a 6th sense. (Like any other saiyan, correct?)

Abilities:
-Flight and Chi-Energy

Weapon of Choice:
-She has a knife, but she hates using it above all else. However, if there is danger, she will use it on will.

Occupation: -Fighter. On and off Pirate/Rebel

Personality:
-Kida is not very bright, but when it comes to a battle, she is smart and quick, she usually plays dumb on her opponents minds to trick them. Her pride is not as big as the normal saiyan, but she is very stubborn and very hard to break when she believes she is right even though she is wrong. When kida gets mad, she loses her temper and starts to yell at almost everyone for either simple or big reasons. Kida is one of many saiyans who believe sharp and forceful wit is the key to winning a verbal fight. Kida would actually rather drink from a toilet than being seen as a nice person, or even being nice to anyone, thinking it is a waste of her time and this is one of the reasons why it makes it hard for people to like her at first. Kida is also a big pervert, but it is a rare action that she shows in public.

History:
-Kida was born as the only child to a high-class saiyan family, but due to her low power-level, she was sent to another planet to exterminate it and make it ready for sale. Since kida was so young, she didn't really remember her instructions as a saiyan baby. While looking around the planet she rescued a small magma lizard while flying through a "Volcanoes Pit" (A range full of volcanoes). She decided to keep him, and since his color of skin reminded her of a mango, she decided to call him Mango, and soon the two had grown close (Mango is usually close to kida, around her neck, or on her shoulder) Kida was taken in by a group of monks and they named her Kidachei. During her training, she had befriended a small girl, named Mia, and Mia is the one who had given her the knife. One night a assasin came to the temple and used the knife kida had and killed Mia, when kida heard Mia's scream she quickly went to her room and killed the assasin with the knife. The monks had punished Kida for killing a being, so Kida doesn't use the knife, knowing her best friend was killed with it and she also thinks it is cursed wiht bad luck.

Soon after Kida grew up to be a great fighter, training under several of the highest Monks int he old temple on the planet where she lived in, then after the rebels came to her planet, at the age of 11, to warn her of the Ice-Jin Empire and asked her if she was willing to join the rebellion. She immediately joined, not wanting the danger to come to the planet she grew up in. A few weeks later, she decided she was more of a care-free pirate than a strict rebel, loving her freedom and not used to getting it taken away from her.

She soon became a pirate, traveling with a ship that was given to her by one of her former trainers in the army. She named the ship "Anetha". During her journey, she has taken the role of rescuing refugees. She has also rescued a few people from taken over planets by Frieza and introduced them to the rebellion, some joined, others took off, finding another place to live, but only one little boy, by the age of 12, stayed with Kida. A half saiyan, with gray hair and navy blue eyes, he found kida very protective and cool, being a pirate. Kida didn't really like half-bloods, but she grew close to him while on the voyage to the rebel planet, Neo-Vegeta, and she kept him. He didn't have a name, so Kida named him Kai (After her favorite teacher) and treated him like a brother. Also, being his teacher, she introduced the boy to piracy and technique to use when in battle. She also taught him to act like a inncoent lost boy while she stole food from local stores.

Love Life/Relationships:
-Once, during an escape from officials while rescuing some of Frieza's slaves, she had met the Captain of Cooler's Sqadron, Salza. After their little rendevouz, she had gained somehwat of a crush and denies any who ask her if she likes him.

Random Information:
-Kida likes children and animals, which she tries hard to hide, becasue she wants to be independent and tough, and not made fun of by other pirates and rebels.

-She usually is quiet around people and answer harshly to anyone who asks her for something or questiones her.


Last edited by Kidachei on Fri Sep 24, 2010 6:22 pm; edited 12 times in total (Reason for editing : I hated the ship name :D So I changed it! XD)
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PostSubject: Re: Kidachei   Sat Jul 24, 2010 7:38 pm

Hey Kidachi,

I like what I'm seeing here so far. A few edits and you'll be in tip top shape!

1) Kidachi's relation to Vegeta. It states in the rules/guide that it is unwise for an OC to be immediately related to a preexisting protagonist, specifically in Duel of Fates- I replied to your comment on Deviantart as such. However, you've got a good setup here for Kidachi to be her own character apart from being related to Vegeta. All you need to do is tweak a few lines. Her early life and how she wound up the way she is won't be terribly affected by terminating the relationship.

2) I would suggest you run your entire bio through a quick grammar and spell check. Cleanliness is next to godliness, especially when it comes to writing.

3) I find Kai and Mango intriguing. Tell us a little more about them.

4) Kidachi's knife. Why does she carry it? Was it a gift? Why doesn't she like using it? Little things like this can really help flesh out Kidachi for your fellow RPers.

I love your description of Kidachi's personality, and I look forward to seeing your edits! Remember, if you have any questions, you can always PM me.
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Kidachei
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PostSubject: Re: Kidachei   Tue Jul 27, 2010 11:33 am

I hope I did good on the review ^^ Sorry the bio is extra long but I did a little tweaks like you asked ^^
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PostSubject: Re: Kidachei   Tue Jul 27, 2010 4:41 pm

Kidachei, you've done a great job on your revamping- I'd say that Kidachei's backstory is in tip top shape. Now, let's look at your grammar. There are a few lines within the bio that are worded strangely. Most of them are probably due to thinkspeak- that is to say, writing as you speak, or think. Human beings don't actually speak in complete sentences. Everything you've said, from the moment you could talk, has been one massive runon.

But anyway, let's get to work here, so you can get yourself approved.

Kidachei wrote:


Species: She is a full blooded saiyan, but has traits that had changed her actual saiyan looks (Due to one of her ancestors being a half saiyan)


You see that? right there? 'but has traits that had changed'? That's a change in tense- from present, the word 'has'. to past, the word 'had'. So, it logically reads like "She is a full blooded saiyan, but has traits that had changed her looks'. This is incorrect. The phrasing you're looking for is something more along the lines of 'She is a full blooded saiyan, but has genes that cause a slightly different appearance'. That covers everything you wanted to say, and makes sense, too.



Kidachei wrote:
General Appearance: She has a serious looking face, her hair is cut short, and she has a few scars on her arms and legs, one scar is hidden by part of her hair on her head. She uses a red bandana to cover it. But she has a 6th sense when it comes to fighting.

Okay, the problem here has nothing to do with the description. Paired with your userimage, this is a very good general appearance for Kidachei. The problem is that last line- the bit about having a sixth sense when it comes to fighting. It looks as though you had started writing something that belonged in another section. Was it a cursor mistake? Either way, it should leave, so it doesn't muck up your description.

Kidachei wrote:
Mental Level: Smart as she can be, not that bright, usually big words confuse her, when she doesn't know what they mean.

The problem here is that comma. There's something I like to call 'Comma disease' and it runs rampant in today's writers- I myself am guilty of it sometimes, along with my abuse of the N-dash. The comma there isn't needed, and neither is the last line. If big words confuse Kidachei, we can presume that it is because she doesn't know what they mean. Less is more.



Kidachei wrote:
Weapon of Choice: Hates using her knife because it was given to her by a friend who betrayed her, but she still uses it in case of emergency. (still practicing some swings with it)

You know what's wrong with this? Absolutely nothing. I've quoted it to tell you that this is good. It's just the kind of thing I like to see in bios. By telling us that the knife was given to her by a friend who betrayed her, you give Kidachei a motivation that can help drive her personal plot. However, you didn't share everything. That's good because it gives you the chance to write reveals as your playtime with Kidachei goes on.



Kidachei wrote:
Personality: Kida is not very bright. She likes to be dumb just to play on peoples minds, she does not have very big pride, like most saiyans, but it is usually awakened when she gets that feeling that she is right even when she is wrong. When Kida gets mad, she tends to be very mean and yells at whoever person annoyed her. She also thinks that forceful wit and sharp comebacks are best for winning a vergbal fight. In the end, kida would rather drink out of a toilet then be polite to any one people, she thinks it is just a watse of time. She is also a pervert, on rare occasions. Whenever she gets "turned on", usually a hit to her head gets her to come to her senses.

There's some weird structural stuff going on here. For example, the first few lines. I can understand what you're saying, but I had to read it a couple of times just to be sure I wasn't screwing up. A lot of the grammatical mistakes in this paragraph point not to a lack of experience in typing, but rather a lack of experience in typing in english. Am I right?

Below, I've rewritten the paragraph in its proper format. Read and compare the two- it will help you see what to avoid in the future.

"Kida is not very bright, but she pretends to be dumber than she looks to play with her opponents. She is not very prideful, unlike most Saiyans, but can be very stubborn when she believes she is right even when she is wrong. When Kida gets angry, she tends to lose her temper and start yelling. Kida thinks that forceful wit and sharp comebacks are the best way to win a verbal fight. Kida would rather drink out of a toilet than be polite to people, because she believes it is a waste of time. She can be a pervert."

See how I altered some sentences, and cut out some unnecessary information? That pars down what people have to remember about Kidachei, but what they do remember is the important stuff.


Kidachei wrote:
History: Kida was born as the only child to a high-class saiyan family, but due to her low power-level, she was sent to another planet. Since kida was so young, she didn't really remember her instructions as a saiyan baby. While looking around the planet she rescued a small magma lizard while flying through a "Volcanoes Pit" (A range full of volcanoes) she decided to keep him, and since his color of skin reminded her of a mango, she decided to call him mango, and soon the two had grown close (Mango is usually close to kida, around her neck, or on her shoulder) Kida was taken in by a group of monks and they named her Kidachei.

Soon Kida grew up to be a great fighter, training under several Monks, or teachers on the planet where she lived in, then after the rebels came to her planet to warn her of the Ice-Jin Empire and asked her if she was willing to join the rebellion. She immediately joined, not wanting the danger to come to the planet she grew up in. A few weeks later, she decided she was more of a care-free pirate than a srict rebel, loving her freedom and not used to getting it taken away from her.

She soon became a pirate, traveling with a ship that was given to her by one of her former trainers in the army. She named the ship "The Magma Lizard", after her pet. During her journey, she rescued a few people from taken over planets by Frieza and introduced them to the rebellion, some joined, others took off, finding another place to live, but only one little boy, by the age of 12, stayed with kida. A half saiyan, with gray hair and navy blue eyes, he found kida very protective and cool, being a pirate. Kida didn't really like half-bloods, but she grew close to him while on the voyage to the rebel planet, Neo-Vegeta, and she kept him. He didn't have a name, so Kida named him Kai (After her favorite teacher) and treated him like a brother. Also being his teacher, and introduced the boy to piracy and technique's when in battle.


Okay, a few things. I broke the history up into paragraphs to make it easier to read- the wall-o-text style doesn't help anyone's eyes, and it's easy for a reader to lose focus. That being said, the problems with the history are mainly grammatical. You remember how I rewrote your personality paragraph? It's your turn to do that with this. Change everything to the tense it belongs in, and remember that proper nouns- like names- have capitalized first letters.

There are a few content problems here- one being that the men who trained Kida are referred to as 'monks' 'teachers' and 'an army'. Well, even if they are warrior monks. I doubt they had an army- generally religious sects that count monks among their number only train a small amount in combat for defensive purposes. Moving on, you can call them just 'monks'. You don't need to mention that they are teachers because your reader knows that Kida learned from them, which makes them teachers by association.


Kidachei wrote:
Love Life/Relationships: Once during a run from officials while on an escape to get some of Frieza's slaves onto her ship, she had met the captain of Cooler's Squadron, Salza and she had quickly gained a huge crush on him.


Two things. One, excellent insertion of Kidachei's crush on Salza. Remember that if you want to persue any kind of romantic relationship with Salza, you first need to find out who is playing him and pitch the idea to them. Romance on this board is a two person effort. Moving on, this is a runon sentence which confuses words. Consider this version: "Once, while running from officials during a mission to rescue some of Prince Freiza's slaves, Kidachei met the Captain of Cooler's Squadron, Salza. She quickly gained a huge crush on him."


Kidachei wrote:
Random Information:
-Kida likes children and animals, which she tries hard to hide, since she likes to be tough and independent and not made fun of.
-Kida is sometimes mature and goofy for her age, she is sometimes seen to be in a serious mood on her ship.

How can someone simultaneously be mature and goofy?

Now it's your turn. Look over Kidachei's profile and edit what small mistakes you find. I'm very happy with your remastering of her life, and I think if you work out your grammar kinks this will be in good shape. please remember- do not just copypaste what I rewrote for you. It is important that you learn how to properly format sentences and make writing understandable in order to be a good RPer.
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Kidachei
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PostSubject: Re: Kidachei   Tue Jul 27, 2010 7:37 pm

OK I understand this, and how I messed up. Thank you for the tips again, I'll do a rerun then i'll make sure to to a better job on it, and I'll fix some of this, I'm still going to do some practice, so I hope I'll get better, I haven't written much in the past until this year ^^;

Thanks again and yes I won't repeat what you have said or cpoy/paste, yes I will learn on my own, thank you again for your help ^^
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PostSubject: Re: Kidachei   Tue Jul 27, 2010 7:55 pm

You are totally welcome- thanks for being so good about the changes.
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Kidachei
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Join date : 2010-07-23
Age : 21
Location : In The Dark

PostSubject: Re: Kidachei   Wed Jul 28, 2010 1:08 pm

How's that for a change?? I did some re-runs, and some checks, I am still wondering what kind of mistakes I did, I bet it is grammar or another runoff (Becasue, as you can see, I have made many of them) but I hope this is better ^^
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PostSubject: Re: Kidachei   Sun Aug 01, 2010 4:47 pm

Indeed, Kidachei, this is better. Remember to keep an eye on tenses, and the words that you end in 'ing'- sometimes that doesn't go there. But I'm happy to tell you that you've been

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This means you can choose one of the new player boards and begin RPing. Have fun and welcome to Duel of Fates.
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Kidachei
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PostSubject: Re: Kidachei   Mon Aug 02, 2010 1:53 pm

Awesome! Can't wait! ^^
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