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 Elena Lily

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Eartha15
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Posts : 13
Join date : 2012-06-04
Age : 20
Location : Stalking both Future and Present Trunks

PostSubject: Elena Lily   Fri Jun 08, 2012 6:29 am

Name: Elena Lily

Nickname (if applicable): El, Lena, Ele, and Ena.

Age: 8

Species: Saiyan and Human

Home planet: Neo-Vegeta

Family: Mitzu Lily, Aku Lily, Fire Lily, Ken Lily, Tea Lily, Sammy Lily, Elane Lily(twin), and Hawa the Cat.

Eyes: Black

Height: 3’9”

General Appearance: Has long pink hair in two pony tails, freckles, tan skin, a large dragon tatoo on her arm, peairced ears, and a cute pair of black eyes.

Power Level: 5000

Abilities: Ka...me...ha...me........ha!!!!

Weapon of Choice: Frying Pan of Doom

Occupation: Fighter......

Personality: Nice, Peaceful, Quiet, Daring, Happy go lucky, Strong willed, and Funny.

History: Well she is a half saiyan. Her father is Aku Lily who is a saiyan. Her mother is Mitzu Lily who is a human. She has four older siblings and a twin. She is a young girl who is part of an army of Neo-Vegeta. She is a born fighter.

Love Life/Relationships: None

Random Information: She is a smart young girl. She has a brain yes.
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Eartha15
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Join date : 2012-06-04
Age : 20
Location : Stalking both Future and Present Trunks

PostSubject: Re: Elena Lily   Fri Jun 08, 2012 7:31 am

Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Sorry about my other three.... Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy
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Eartha15
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Join date : 2012-06-04
Age : 20
Location : Stalking both Future and Present Trunks

PostSubject: Re: Elena Lily   Fri Jun 08, 2012 7:37 am

Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance! Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance
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Lilliana Nariko
Kanassan Psychic
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Join date : 2010-12-19
Age : 29
Location : under your bed +__+

PostSubject: Re: Elena Lily   Fri Jun 08, 2012 9:20 am

You seem to have taken some of our advice to heart but there's still quite a bit of work to do.

There is no depth to her. She is at best two dimensional and bland. When you are making a character you really should think about what makes them tick inside. How are you going to play her? Her history is nonexistent. You have the opportunity to tell us everything but you don't. Read some of the accepted profiles and take a look over them for an idea of what a better acceptable profile and how the characters are filled out and rounded. Weaknesses, strengths, what happened to them, how have their experiences shaped them? I don't think you're ready to play here but this place has been up for quite a while so you can always come back once you've had practice. That's all it takes, practice, practice, practice.
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Karete
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Posts : 295
Join date : 2010-07-22
Age : 35
Location : Stalking Zarbon

PostSubject: Re: Elena Lily   Fri Jun 08, 2012 10:55 pm

Okay Eartha, below is an example of the type of profile that might, MIGHT, get your character accepted on to these boards. You'll notice how it gives us a much better idea of what Elena is like, enabling people to work her into the storyline and therefore be able to judge how she would react in most circumstances. She is also a little more true to her heritage as well.

I've tried to keep as close to what you had in the original and only tweak it here and there. I still find it hard to see how an unknown 8-year-old would fit into our storyline though.


PROFILE

Name: Elena Lily

Nickname (if applicable): El, Lena, Ele, and Ena.

Age: 8

Species: Saiyan and Human

Home planet: Neo-Vegeta-sei

Family: Mitzu Lily, Aku Lily, Fire Lily, Ken Lily, Tea Lily, Sammy Lily, Elane Lily(twin)

Pets: Hawa the Cat.

Eyes: Black

Height: 3’9”

General Appearance: Has long pink hair in two pony tails (she gets it from her mother’s side of the family), freckles, tan skin, a large dragon tattoo on her arm, pierced ears and a cute pair of black eyes. She generally wears a child’s training suit, which is a dark yellow colour, and her brother’s hand-me-down training armor.

Power Level: 5000 (at max)

Abilities: Still in development. Though she does have a nice handball attack that she is learning to bounce off walls.

Weapon of Choice: Frying Pan of Doom. Her mother taught her that one.

Occupation: Fighter...still in training. Much to her annoyance.

Personality: Generally a quietly peaceful child (again attributed to her mother’s influence), she tends to be quite happy-go-lucky. Until you throw her in to a training ring where she becomes extremely focussed, daring and strong willed. A born fighter.

History: Elena’s father, Aku, is a Saiyan, who married her mother Mitzu when some of the humans working for Capsule Corporation fled Earth. She has four older siblings and a twin. In the training camps from a young age (as any good Saiyan child should be) she has spent the majority of her young life honing her fighting skills. She dreams of the day she can go into space. Her father doesn’t make it any better either, continuously telling his children of the ‘glory days’ of the Saiyans, much to her mother’s irritation. Her older siblings once took her into the capital and she nearly got lost looking at everything. After being told off, she became resolutely determined to find the nearest garrison and offer her services. Her brother cut her off at the door. But now the war is heating up…will it be necessary to call upon children to fight?

Love Life/Relationships: None. Though she’s extremely close to her twin sister.

Random Information: Has a bit of a brain between her Saiyan ears. Tends to pick things up very quickly and has high ambitions to be part of Neo-Vegeta-sei’s army one day. She has a habit of making jokes whenever she gets nervous.

...

See how much more appealing she is as a character now?
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Eartha15
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Posts : 13
Join date : 2012-06-04
Age : 20
Location : Stalking both Future and Present Trunks

PostSubject: Elena Lily   Mon Jun 11, 2012 6:06 am

Thank You for your helpful words. I actually have problems with how much I write and actually put on my profiles. I am totally sorry about that. I really am sorry. Crying or Very sad
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Karete
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Posts : 295
Join date : 2010-07-22
Age : 35
Location : Stalking Zarbon

PostSubject: Re: Elena Lily   Mon Jun 11, 2012 6:16 am

Like we said, its okay to have to redo things a few times before it comes up to standard. We're well aware that you're obviously new to this and so will take a while to get the hang of things.

What we recommend is that you do go and read some of the other profiles to get a good idea of the kind of detail we're after. And on that note, go and read some of the story threads as well so that you get a feel for the tone of this place.

Take your time adding the detail to your character. That way, when you do resubmit an OC audition, they might be a bit more fleshed out and have more substance and personality.
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