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 Yami Jaaku (in construction, SORRY)

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Gekisaru
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PostSubject: Yami Jaaku (in construction, SORRY)   Wed Nov 17, 2010 3:12 pm

Name: Yami Jaaku
Nickname (if applicable): none
Age: 26

Species: Saiyan
Homeplanet: Neo-Vegeta
Family:
Yami Nee-Koh - mother
Yami Togoro - father
Yami Aku - sister
Dello Barul - best friend

Eyes: Black
Height: 5'11
General Appearance: Jaaku had attacked a powerful soldier in Frieza's forces, and had paid the price with a slash of ki to his right eye, scarring his face. He wears his saiyan armor most of the time, but occasionally wears a black Gi with a red belt and wrist bands - mostly for training or relaxing, as he likes the feel. His hair is as it is in the picture. He is muscular but is without extreme bulge. He has a chin strip, but it's very small.

Mental Level: Average. He's no dummy, but he's not top-of-the-class. He is quick-witted in battle, and is properly revered and exalted when displaying his abilities. He is powerful amongst his friends.

Power Level: 7,500

Abilities:
Ki Manipulation - the simple ability to sense life energy, morph ki into a physical state, and other basic stuff.
Kyoukou Ha - a large, red blast performed with two hands, with extending both hands forward, but one hand up and one to the left, making a right angle. Once performed, a powerful energy wave is created that can destroy pretty much anything (but powerful people) in its path.
Telekinesis - he can move objects with his mind.
Hakai Wave - a destructive, purple energy ball, with an electro-magnetic field that can cause electrocution. One hand is extended with all fingers extended to full length, whist the other hand is used to hold steady the extended arm because of the massive energy output, which can get out of control.

Weapon of Choice: Silver longsword; he is a master of the sword arts

Occupation: low-class warrior, assassin

Personality: Kind, friendly, serious when he needs to be, respectful, gentle, and happy. He isn't exactly the normal Saiyan; he greets other rather nicely, and is gentle with his interactions. He is gentle in general because he doesn't want to hurt anyone or thing. He treats all others as equals, other than his superiors, of coarse, who he must treat with great respect and such. His favorite color is blue, which can be a soothing color (correct me if I'm wrong).

History:

Jaaku was born unto a couple of seemingly normal saiyans on Neo-Vegeta, whilst his father was out on missions under Vegeta; his mother was home often, although before she had been gaining weight from the baby, she went on missions with her husband as a team, with several other members. As a baby, he didn't see much of his father, but mostly his mother, which is what increased his bond with her and caused him to be more separate from his father.

At a young age, Jaaku was always wondering where his father was off too, and always wondered why he didn't get to play with the other little kids his age. It seemed that Jaaku's family were sort of outcast compared to the rest of society. His mother was sent on missions once again by king Vegeta, and Jaaku was ordered to be trained as a low-class warrior, effective immediately, in a program for kids who's parents weren't around enough. The first day, for Jaaku, was more harsh than you could imagine. He was beaten by adults, thrashed by other kids, and forced to try and live alone for days at a time. It didn't help that other kids didn't like him.

It wasn't until the age of 5 that he would meet his future, his best friend, and the only companion he'd ever have. His name was Barul, and he was a young child like Jaaku. They both had qualities in common, and often sparred together (and Jaaku liked the change since they'd both play, rather than have a full-out duel, and even then they'd go easily on each-other). Jaaku still wasn't too happy, and he didn't like this program at all, but his friend would cheer him up.

At 9, Jaaku would finally become a big brother! His mother had once again had a child, but this time, it was a girl. And for the first time, Jaaku would have some personal time with his father. It turned out to him, that his father really cared after all. But mostly, Togoro would ask on his developments and discuss their fates and other crap Jaaku didn't care about. But, ultimately, this was the first time his father held him, and played with him. Jaaku was beginning to feel happy again.

It was in a few days that Jaaku had introduced his best friend, partly because his friend, Barul, begged to come over, and that he had nothing better to do; plus, he was forced out by his parents (for developmental purposes), and Jaaku's parents didn't know much of Jaaku's personal life yet. When he introduced his friend, his heart pounded because he was nervous of whether his parents would approve, but it turned out his parents already knew this kid's parents. In fact, they were part of the same team, and knew each other well. Nee-Koh was going to make plans for the two kids to meet at a young age, but was dispersed to do missions and interrupted by it.


Eventually, Jaaku was taken from the program, as was Barul, and they would be trained together by Togoro, who is a martial arts master. Over the few years, he had trained to a more successful point, become a sparring partner with his sister, and his father had enrolled him for training in the arts of the sword. It took him years, but he had eventually become an adept of the arts. Before finishing the sword training, however, he had been sent on a mission by King Vegeta with a whole army of others on a mission for the defense of Earth. The plan ultimately failed, but left Jaaku scarred on the face. He had survived a near-death situation here, and had become stronger because of it. During his rejuvination period, however, he had been brought closer to his family, which was really worried of him.

Jaaku's first mission had brought him to a point of realization; being Saiyan is tough. No easy work. And so, it had brought him to a higher goal to become more powerful, and in league with the other Saiyans around. He trained often alone for his sword training, but occasionally trained with his father. It wasn't for another year that he was sent on another mission, but before then, his father had stopped training him and instead trained with him, and he started to teach his sister too, mostly with swords. Onto his next mission; he was sent out to scavenge the planet Polaris. It was there that he'd discover

Love Life/Relationships: none, yet

Random Information:
He is a notable wine-brewer.


Last edited by Gekisaru on Sun Nov 28, 2010 2:12 am; edited 15 times in total
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PostSubject: Re: Yami Jaaku (in construction, SORRY)   Wed Nov 17, 2010 4:20 pm

At the moment I'm afraid your profile has too little information about your character to be approved. I'm not getting a clear image of his personality yet (though I did lol at the belly dancing!). Have a look at a couple of the approved OC bios for examples of what sort of information we're looking for. We don't want profiles that are several chapters long, but a little more detail on the character's personality and especially their history. Wink
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PostSubject: Re: Yami Jaaku (in construction, SORRY)   Fri Nov 19, 2010 7:10 pm

Well, I'm no mod but I'd like to comment too if that's ok. Very Happy

I actually really, REALLY liked the sound of this character... until I got to his history which is where I noticed problems. (Sorry!)

The first one is that you've mentioned he's 26 years old but you've also said he was born on Planet Vegeta. In this current moment I'm going to assume that you mean he is 26 at the time of the Namek Quest. Anyway, Jaaku will be waaaaaaay too young to have been born on Vegeta since it was destroyed 48 years before the main game. If you want him to be 26, he'll have to be born on a different planet but if you more want him to be born on Planet Vegeta, you'll have to make him older. Whatever you decide is entirely up to you.

I do like how he is a bad guy siding with the Empire (because I think we need more bad guys around) but I'm going to point out something before Meraxa jumps in. With Jaaku being a Saiyan and being Frieza's 'personal pet', (to me) this sounds too much like what Meraxa has done with Goku. I can see the differences though but you may want to consider changing this before someone else mentions it.

I can see that you've mentioned this is still a work in progress so I hope my 2 points can help out any. Overall, I look forward to seeing this guy around. Good luck! Very Happy
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PostSubject: Re: Yami Jaaku (in construction, SORRY)   Fri Nov 19, 2010 11:42 pm

Thanks, but I meant Vegeta as in wherever the new home of the Saiyans was. lol

And what, I cant be a pet too? fyi, I came up with this idea myself without Meraxa's bio effecting mine... at all. Just saying. But hey, if it's a big deal, I could change it.

And I believe the age is 777? If so, then he was born Age 751.

And do you really think my history isn't all that good? Meh, I've made so many characters before, I've been sucked up for ideas.
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PostSubject: Re: Yami Jaaku (in construction, SORRY)   Fri Nov 19, 2010 11:54 pm

Hey, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to come out as rude. I was just giving my personal opinion and listing some points.
You'll have to take up the pet thing with Meraxa, Celeria and the mods if you want to keep it. Celeria also came up with a similar idea about two days after Meraxa did but they worked it out. And the 777 Age is the year of the Neo-Vegeta-sei game. The main game is set after that.


Last edited by Strefe on Sat Nov 20, 2010 2:20 am; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: Yami Jaaku (in construction, SORRY)   Fri Nov 19, 2010 11:56 pm

Crapper, I think I made you feel like you did something wrong... Darn the expressionless ways of typing. You weren't rude. And, I'll make sure to talk with whoever I'd need to.
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PostSubject: Re: Yami Jaaku (in construction, SORRY)   Fri Nov 19, 2010 11:58 pm

Oh, thank goodness! Sorry about the misunderstanding!
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PostSubject: Re: Yami Jaaku (in construction, SORRY)   Sat Nov 20, 2010 2:13 am

I also happened to ask Cel's permission with regards to my app, as she currently plays Frieza. Thankfully, you've at least noted you need to do that.

Now, you mention King Vegeta as a pawn of Frieza. Sorry, but the Vegeta who is king then and now, is the one we knew as the prince in the original canon, and has been leading a saiyan world allied with the rebellion, not Frieza.
The other problem though isn't so much in this app, as it is in Cel's post in the Icion area. It's fairly implied Toketsu is the first attempt at turning a saiyan to his side, and he still isn't too sure about the safety of it. That would seem more than odd, especially considering the precautions they also took to keep Toketsu under control, if he's had a successful case for longer than he's had the other one.
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PostSubject: Re: Yami Jaaku (in construction, SORRY)   Sat Nov 20, 2010 6:39 am

Yeah, I pointed out Toketsu's situation to Geki. So I suggested that Jaaku freely decides to join the Empire. But even then, I don't know how he wouldn't be killed on the spot... :/
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PostSubject: Re: Yami Jaaku (in construction, SORRY)   Sat Nov 20, 2010 6:41 am

How about cutting off his tail and pretending to not be a Saiyan?
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PostSubject: Re: Yami Jaaku (in construction, SORRY)   Sat Nov 20, 2010 2:58 pm

Okay, okay, I'll delete all this and just... become a pirate, I dunno.
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PostSubject: Re: Yami Jaaku (in construction, SORRY)   Sat Nov 20, 2010 3:03 pm

Hey, isn't my situation completely different? Frieza wold have so much more chance at turning my completely to his side, as I wouldn't have problem consenting to it, and I already hated the rest of my race for what's happened. And I could take off the bodyguard part and act just as a valued warrior... That wouldn't be that much of a biggie, would it?

I edited the history; Vegeta being a pawn (which I totally forgot about the new king being the PRINCE) is out, my father going out on missions for him is out, and I've put the stuff that needs editing/changing in a spoiler.
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PostSubject: Re: Yami Jaaku (in construction, SORRY)   Sat Nov 20, 2010 3:37 pm

The point remains though, and I shall even quote Celeria's post on the matter:

Celeria wrote:
Regardless of the potential fruitfulness of his plan, Frieza could not rid himself of doubt whether bringing that saiyan on his ship was that good of an idea. He wasn't too convinced that the filth of the saiyan ways could be washed off with mere torture. He considered it embedded into their very blood. Their blood, unclean to the point of being nauseating.
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PostSubject: Re: Yami Jaaku (in construction, SORRY)   Sat Nov 20, 2010 5:41 pm

This is really decently thought out Gekisaru and I can tell that you have put quite a bit of effort into it.

Unfortunately as the others have already pointed out to you, there are certain things about your character’s history that will clash with already established events/views in the DOF universe.

But I will get to that. First things first:

Nickname – I find it hard to believe that someone of Yami’s disposition would like to be called ‘Sunshine’. I see it more as an insult because of his dark nature.
Dark monster – please explain what this is as we have no reference to them in the game so far.
Saiyan armour – he wears it in ‘ignorance’? How is that possible? He hates his race and so one would either think he wears it because it is practical or he wouldn’t wear it at all. ‘Ignorance’ doesn’t make any sense.
Combat genius of the century – yet you give us no power level reference or an explanation as to how he got that good despite the fact that he is only 26.
Personality – is fine, except it clashes with my point about the nickname, and the fact that you’ve said he is a low-class warrior. He wouldn’t have many people to look down upon as most everyone (and especially if he works for Frieza) would be stronger than him. Also he wouldn’t be ‘revered and exalted’ if he were low-class.

History – I read the whole thing (including the spoiler) and I’m in agreement with the others – Frieza only has one Saiyan working for him, and that is Dark!Goku. I’m sorry that you’ve gone to all this effort but Dark!Goku was long in the making and has already entered the game. Having Yami appear as his history stands now would ruin already laid plans. You also give us a ton of detail about his childhood. It’s great but probably a bit too detailed. That is, we need to know how he got his scar and other things but we don’t need to know that he was knocked twenty feet away, then picked up by his shirt, then the guy charged his ki...etc. Just say the unknown Saiyan hit Yami and scarred his right eye. I also find it hard to believe that his dad was a martial arts master but then got killed in such a way, that Yami would have had such a horrible time in the training camps...he’s Saiyan, it’s what they do!

Please keep all of this in mind, as it is paramount to this forum that the story flows and works. This means that characters have to sometimes adapt to the environment that has already been constructed. An example of this is in the DOF Universe Discussion thread where Strefe wanted to introduced a race of warrior goddess (the Kali) but has had to adapt that theme to something that would fit with the currect story and limits of the game.

It would also be appreciated if you would keep the amount of pictures to a minimum - they take up space on the forum and we don’t really need to know what the deceased look like as they won’t be appearing in the RP.

I will also be removing your reply to Starkiller further up the thread as frankly it’s insulting towards the Administrator and makes no sense.
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PostSubject: Re: Yami Jaaku (in construction, SORRY)   Sat Nov 20, 2010 10:01 pm

Nickname = joke. He doesn't really have a nickname, lol

And the ignorance thing... I was tired at the time, getting ready to sleep. Ignorance is not what I meant... I probably thought it meant something else. Anyways, I don't even know what I meant anymore.

He's a combat genius in the way that he is great at tactics, he knows how to fight, and he has power to back it up. And his power level is the usual 5,000... Doesn't it say that in the rules? You have to start out that way?

My 'father' was weak, really, compared to those two guys that attacked. And I like putting detail... I don't feel comfortable not putting much. Makes me feel inferior to those around me, as some make uber, UBER long histories. I'd feel left out, stupid and lazy.

And the offensive thing: I was just playing and joking around. I really, REALLY apologize for offending you guys. I'm just a playful type of person... Really, you could call me a stupid teen. Basically am!

(I don't remember exactly what I said, but I think I know the basics... so I wonder, how did it not make sense? I only explained that the whole thing was still not done. No offense.)

Dark Monster: It's no official race of any monster, it's just some thing I came up with. Am I supposed to put races and stuff? Also, I thought it'd just be an unimportant part of my history... a quarrel with some dumb monster out on a mission.

I deleted the pics. Sorry, I just like being descriptive and informing others... I think my faults are really showing now, aren't they? Thanks for telling me that. Just a habit.

Yes, he is low-class on Neo-Vegeta. Wouldn't that NOT matter when he's with Frieza? And he was revered and exalted, because he ranks high, technically, if he'd be guarding Frieza (which won't matter anymore, that's been ditched), and he's more powerful than most likely half of Frieza's forces. Some Nameks could easily beat down a whole squad of Frieza's soldiers, who were supposed to defend him/do as he wishes, and we can assume they were powerful compared to the average soldier if they were to go on a mission with Frieza, in which we can also assume he'd take more powerful soldiers with him. I think...

Note: Yami is the surname. It's japanese, like Goku's full name: Son Goku.

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PostSubject: Re: Yami Jaaku (in construction, SORRY)   Sat Nov 20, 2010 10:12 pm

I think I'll be deleting everything in my beginning from the explanation about the pod up to the end.
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PostSubject: Re: Yami Jaaku (in construction, SORRY)   Sat Nov 20, 2010 10:14 pm

Well, we like detailed histories here, but we don't want every single detail spelt out. A history can still be fairly detailed in a few well written paragraphs. And yes it does state that you have to start at 5000, however, being 26 already and a trained soldier, you might have a case for having a slightly higher level. But again that's still something you need to put in your profile to be approved. Random things like the dark monster (and the belly dancing to an extent) are the types of things we would like a bit a of detail on (however brief) because they could be used as reference later in the game.

And lol, I know that's his last name, I sometimes refer to Goku as Son (especially when writing Bulma).

I think what you need to do now, is sit down and go over your profile with a fine toothed comb and fix up anything you think needs fixing. We can't do any approvals until we see the finished product.

Quote :
I think I'll be deleting everything in my beginning from the explanation about the pod up to the end.

That's all well and good but could you try not to double post? Just use the edit button on your last post if you want to add anything. Thanks!
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PostSubject: Re: Yami Jaaku (in construction, SORRY)   Sat Nov 20, 2010 10:33 pm

Alright to the above.

I have edited my character sheet. I added a PL, which needs checking, and edited the personality. I removed the nickname, and I changed the appearance a bit. I'll be finishing my history soon; the spoiler is just stuff that I'm going to remove, just not yet so that you can see it if you need to reference to it. Mental level excludes the 'combat genius of century' thing now, and I think I removed the exalted and revered or whatever thing too. His love life was changed, and I removed the belly dancing thing...
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